Autism Mom GuiltOh, crap. My son got another array of questionable bug bites. How am I going to send him to school looking like this? How am I going to get away with another unexcused absence without him failing?  😣 He won’t stop scratching at them and getting them infected, and CPS would have a field day with me if they saw how bad it looked under his clothes. This Mom Guilt is killing me👩‍👦

Why doesn’t anyone notice or care how stressed I am about this and stop having meltdowns over being told to prevent scratching? Why doesn’t he get that I’m only asking him to do what’s best for him? I know I should take him to the Doctor, but my own appearance at the moment is causing me too much anxiety to go today. Or tomorrow. The same thing happened yesterday. #guilt

Oh well, he hates school anyways. Deflect, deflect, deflect. ⛔  That’s this BP mom’s go-to coping skill for dealing with my child with Autism. Equivalent to an addict getting its next fix, the very fastest way possible, through a needle. Don’t worry; I’m aggressively addressing that part. (Hey, parents, we’re all human! ) But it really doesn’t look too good that we have just missed 5 days straight for the same thing, and I still have not been able to bring myself to go out in public. Maybe I’ll look better tomorrow. I’m so glad my son has no idea what’s going on sometimes. Really, sometimes it is a blessing in disguise. Insert Mom-guilt here.

😪 You see, I have been sick for 2 years with some sort of infection, but we haven’t entirely determined the source yet. I recently found out that I need spinal surgery from a past accident. I am constantly malnourished from stress (anxiety-induced Anorexia), anemic, I have lost all of my hair, and I have mystery wounds all over my body. Open lesions from head to toe. Literally, every appendage has them, and they just won’t heal. Luckily my son didn’t start showing symptoms until this past month, but here I look at him and what I did to him.

Did I cause this? Obviously, I had it first. Somewhere I had brought this illness home and proceeded to put off going to the Doctor until my son started showing symptoms. He is immunocompromised, dehydrated, with open lesions of his own.🤬Thank God I changed doctors. Hang in there, let me explain. 1 year ago, I finally went to my old Doctor to reach out for help for third. He denied all my symptoms, branded me delusional, and washed his hands of me. I had let him know quickly, the speed Borderline Personality Disorder runs at high-stress environments, my distaste for his bedside manner. I fired him, 👊  And he fired me.

I hid in my house for the next year, nearly septic. Hiding from kids, my husband 👨, my family. I had lost all hope, and now I had developed a new trauma, being abandoned by my Doctor. I prayed every day to keep my kids safe and protect them from whatever this was, but I just couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried to contain the infection. He could be disfigured like me within a year. Will they help him the same way they “helped” me? By abandoning him while he’s in pain and fear and tell him he’s making it all up? When he can’t even speak for himself? Hell. No. So I started getting my things in order and making appointments for both of us, and yesterday we had attended 3 appointments by Wednesday.🏥

Now my son is currently being treated for what I couldn’t bring myself to do for a while, and if the school doesn’t understand that, they will have to file a complaint. Because I cannot be the mom, I need to be a parent without a mental illness until I learn to put self-care first. 📣  Then, and only then, can I 100% for sure be the best mom I was meant to be for my Autistic 10yr old who needs me more than I need education. So I’m proud of myself today. 😁 Super proud. All because I chose to love myself so that I could put him first next week. There should be no shame in that. So should I be wasting my reserved anxiety and giving myself such a hard time over whether he goes to school today or not, or over what people may think about it???

 “Good moms have challenges every day.”

Ro H.

#selfcare #lesions #anemic #disease #attendance #autismguilt #autismMOM  #Health #Feelings

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